Nuggets of Wisdom

"Dear God,
I am so afraid to open my clenched fists!
Who will I be when I have nothing left to hold on to?
Who will I be when I stand before you with empty hands?
Please help me to gradually open my hands
and to discover that I am not what I own,
but what you want to give me.
And what you want to give me is love,
unconditional, everlasting love.
Amen."
— Henri J.M. Nouwen (The Only Necessary Thing: Living a Prayerful Life)

"A waiting person is a patient person. The word patience means the willingness to stay where we are and live the situation out to the full in the belief that something hidden there will manifest itself to us."
— Henri J.M. Nouwen

"Waiting is a dry desert between where we are and where we want to be."
— Henri J.M. Nouwen (Finding My Way Home)

"Waiting is never a movement from nothing to something. It is always a movement from something to something more."

— Henri J.M. Nouwen (The Path of Waiting)

"I have found it very important in my own life to try to let go of my wishes and instead to live in hope. I am finding that when I choose to let go of my sometimes petty and superficial wishes and trust that my life is precious and meaningful in the eyes of God something really new, something beyond my own expectations begins to happen for me."
— Henri J.M. Nouwen (Finding My Way Home)

"Here we realize how our wishes tend to be connected with our fears, and fear, of course, prevents us from allowing time in our lives for open-ended waiting. For this reason, a lot of our waiting is not open-ended. Instead, our waiting is a way of controlling the future."

— Henri J.M. Nouwen (The Path of Waiting)

"When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares."
— Henri J.M. Nouwen

"Somewhere we know that without silence words lose their meaning, that without listening speaking no longer heals, that without distance closeness cannot cure."
— Henri J.M. Nouwen

"When the imitation of Christ does not mean to live a life like Christ, but to live your life as authentically as Christ lived his, then there are many ways and forms in which a man can be a Christian."
— Henri J.M. Nouwen (The Wounded Healer)

"People who read your ideas tend to think that your writings reflect your life."
— Henri J.M. Nouwen

Change.

So I decided to change my layout.

It was very spur-of-the-moment.

Maybe I'm going through a phase. -_-;

The other day, I went to an 8th grade promotion for a family friend in Japan. The school was a very prestigious international school here and I felt like I was in an American bubble. Everyone spoke perfect English and it was by far the largest gathering of Caucasians. I thought I was in Newport Beach.

As I sat and watched the 2.5 hour ceremony, or "celebration" as they liked to call it, I was reminded of my own 8th grade promotion. First off, I remembered why it's called promotion and not graduation. Secondly, 8th grade was 9 years ago (since I'm technically in the 17th grade now a.k.a. "real world"). OMG. I feel so old. Thirdly, kids these days have a greater interest in fashion and dress way better than we did (jeans & a shirt just don't cut it anymore). Lastly, I felt so stupid thinking about how I thought graduating 8th grade was the biggest thing that ever happened to me. If I remember correctly, I think I cried. Anyway, while watching the Class of 2014 get excited and emotional about entering high school, I asked myself two questions: 1) "Was I like this?" and 2) "Why?"

Don't get me wrong- it's a big deal to start a new chapter in your life and become a high school student. However, I couldn't help thinking about how Jr. High is nothing compared to what is to come. I thought these kids were so cute for being so happy about promoting! YAY! But on the other hand, it's not like you graduated HS or college... cuz those two are a big deal! HAHA. Then it hit me: for someone who has gone through that particular phase in life and onto bigger and greater things, it seems like nothing special. But for the one going through it and taking everything in, it's the most important thing and quite possibly the greatest accomplishment yet. I couldn't help but think, "Chh, you think this is big? Wait til you get out of college." Soon after another thought came to mind: Does it ever stop? Are we ever going to not think that what we're going through deserves the greatest importance?

For me, I thought prom was going to be the biggest deal of my life. Then I realized HS graduation was a bigger deal. Then there was college- time to get out of the nest and into the "real world." Now I'm in the real world after the "real world." The next thing I'm looking forward to is finding my husband and getting married. After that, it's going to be so exciting to be a parent. And then after that, being a grandparent is going to be the biggest thing. I don't think it'll ever stop. Life is a constant upward climb and then you die at the peak; and you can't say it's all downhill from there because there's heaven! So since birth, we are on a crescendo.

Here I am thinking that Japan is the greatest thing that's happened in my life. So far, it's been a life-changing experience; something I wouldn't trade for anything in the world. I really think it's going to be one of the 3 most monumental moments in my life. I just can't imagine my life without this very important chapter. However, I'm sure to those who've been through it, they might think how adorable I am for thinking how IMPORTANT this is. It's not to say that they are minimizing the significance of what was experienced in this year, but it might not be as BIG as I think compared to the things that are to come in the future. Will it even matter in a year? Of course these events help us get to the next stage in our lives, but it would be naive of me to think that this is IT- the BIG ONE. But even though we know this fact, we still can't help but get so wrapped up in the moment. I think this is just LIFE. We can't assess the past until we go past the past and see that in the end... the best is yet to come.

So I don't really know why I observed all this while attending a promotion, but I think that it was good to reflect and reach such conclusions. I know that what I'm going through is very special. And I know that even though I spent the whole post trying to convince you (and me) that this is neither the final destination nor ultimate joy, I will still like to think that this has been one of the greatest moments (if not the greatest moment) of my life. Maybe this is the only way we get through life: knowing that every event, phase, moment, stage, and chapter gets better and better as we get toward the end... cuz if we didn't, there'd be no hope to look forward to.

And now, I'm back to square one.

"I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next."

~Gilda Radner

(P)rayer (R)equests!

God has been working. This week alone He has led three non-Christian friends to open up to me about their problems. It just hit me that I'll be leaving soon and it makes me really sad. I can't think about saying bye to all these people. There are some relationships I have formed since the day I landed and there are others that have just started to bud... the thought of having to say 'sayonara' gets me teary-eyed. However, I pray and trust that the relationships will not end when I leave. If anything I think it is the start of a lifetime of prayer for them. I have committed to praying for them until they receive Jesus. Although I'm not sure when that will be exactly, I have faith that it will be soon. I can't say for certain that we'll keep in touch all that much, because reality is distance does play an important role, but this doesn't mean I won't try... I just have to understand that it won't be the same as when we're living in the same country. -_-; I'm getting sad just thinking about it, so we'll save the tears for later. Please join me in praying for the following people whom God has really impressed upon my heart to love dearly and pray desperately for:

Seto. He's my friend/younger brother from Japanese school (born in 1992; one year younger than my real brother). Background: came from China with his mother (who married a Japanese man) so that he can go to college in Japan. In February, I got to hang out with him on his birthday because it was his first year here and no one to celebrate with. -_-; After that day, we got really close and he started to confide in me about his struggles with loneliness in Japan. During my birthday party he told me that he had no hope. This made me really sad. He told me that he doesn't see the point in why he's alive (not that he wants to commit suicide or anything)... but he feels like he does the same things everyday. I told him that I probably would feel like that if I didn't know Jesus. I was able to share that I came to Japan as a missionary and told him to check out the Chinese church that a missionary in our class started. He seemed to be open to the idea and said that he would go. He's very busy with a part-time job everyday so pray that God will open up his schedule! Let's ask God to be Seto-kun's hope and reason for living!!! He's a dear brother and friend... I really hope that he can meet Jesus. I BELIEVE IT WILL HAPPEN!

Nayoung (top left in the blue shirt wearing glasses). She's one of the first girls I met here and befriended. In class, we were assigned seating by drawing chopsticks. On the third day of school, we got to sit next to each other. She was kinda shy but she tried to talk to me so I thought that was nice/cute of her. HAHA. After spending the first quarter together, she stopped coming to the language school because she found a part-time job. However, we still kept in touch because we have a group of us who always hang out. She's the same age as I and she had a traumatic experience (cult) when she was young and so for a long time she was scared of/hated the church. But now she is slowly opening up. Yesterday she came to Friday night service with me for the first time and she started crying as she shared about her current struggles. She is having a hard time here and she feels depressed. I asked her to pray to God and just be honest with Him about her past and present circumstances. I believe with all my heart that God is tugging at her heart. She is willing to seek God because things are tough and she sees no light at the end of the tunnel. However, I pray that God will use this opportunity to show her just how real He is and how much He loves her. I think she was really blessed yesterday but I ask that you will join me in interceding on her behalf. Let's pray that the Holy Spirit would heal all the pain/scars from her past and be her Ultimate Counselor. Please pray for her family and their salvation as well. She is one of the nicest girls I have ever met... she has a desire to seek God but I think she is stopping herself from being completely vulnerable before God. She is close to believing God... let's ask God to pour out His mercy, grace, and blessing upon her so that she can meet Jesus in Japan before she leaves (in September)!

Emily. She started coming out to church 3 weeks ago. Apparently, she used to come out when she was younger but stopped coming due to some issues in the family. Some say her sister has problems with violence. -_-; I think all she wants/needs is someone to reach out to her. I was able to have lunch with her and she seems to have taken a liking to me. :) I talked almost 95% of the time in my "work in progress" Japanese. HAHA. She seems a bit socially awkward (as in doesn't like to make eye contact with people)... but I am noticing that she is starting to smile a lot more! PRAISE GOD!!! I am hoping that I can reach out to her more and develop a closer relationship with her. I'm sad that she came into my life so late into my time here, but I don't think that time is an issue when God's at work! She is so beautiful and I hope that she can realize that for herself. She is such a precious daughter of God... chosen beloved. Please join me in asking God to open up her heart and letting Him heal her from the inside out. God has great plans for her!!!

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WOW... I'm excited to hear him speak at Passion: Tokyo (this Saturday, May, 22). Please pray that many Japanese will come to experience God at this one-day event! I have a feeling that this week will be spiritually tough because Satan wants to bring me down and keep me from getting blessed. Pray for me that I won't let the spiritual attacks get in the way of receiving God's vision, blessings, and calling through this concert. I have a feeling it's going to be AMAZINGGGGG!!!

I seriously got the chills while watching this clip...

“The LORD your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with his love, He will rejoice over you with singing.”

-Zephaniah 3:17

For No Apparent Reason...

I had one of the best days ever. :)

I'm guessing the weather had something to do with it.

The weather was nice and sunny. It's finally starting to get warmer.

It's looking a lot more like SPRING! Praise God for the sun (and Son).

Today I...

-got to school on time

-did well on my kanji test

-had a great conversation/hang out time with my unni from school

-ate at a new restaurant and it turned out to be delicious (love going to new places!)

-bought myself a soft twist

-skyped/gchatted with friends from home

-chilled by myself at McDonald's with a cup of coffee

-helped my tutor kid write a diary entry in cursive about his swimming class (it was surprisingly fun)

-tutor kid's mom made me 약밥 (yakbap)

-rode my bike home

-ran in (light) rain with my Asics (thanks mom!)

-shaved my legs for the first time since I arrived

-read Matthew and my favorite parable

-finished watching the Blindside (great movie that I HIGHLY recommend you watch)

One bad thing about today: I lost my dark grey scarf at the Ikebukuro train station. -_-; I bought it at UNIQLO for only 500 yen (around $5.50) and stupid me didn't tie it around my bag (just hung it loosely) and now it's gone. I was sad! I'm not one to lose things... and so I was pretty upset. The only thing that kept me from going crazy was my good mood. It's so funny how that works... things can change so drastically depending on how you feel! But one thing that is constant... is God and His love for you and me! So smile!

It was no "special" day... but I was so happy and joyful.

I couldn't help but smile the whole day.

I'm so grateful to be alive.

God is good. TOO GOOD.

Let's count our blessings... we have SO MUCH to be grateful for!

Rain, Rain, Go Away!

Dull and gray.
The two words that describe my day.
I want to go out and play.
But I have to study kanji and tutor so there's no way.

That's my poem for the day. :)
I'm feeling a bit under the weather- nothing to be alarmed by; it's just one of the many things you have to get used to while living here.
I didn't realize how much the weather affected my mood!
I always knew there was a reason I wanted to live in California FOREVER. -_-;
I miss the sun.

Maybe it's because it's Month 6 and it's time to evaluate the relationship (after the honeymoon phase has passed and things are looking more comfortable) that I get flashbacks of my time here.
As I ride the train for my 2 hour commute to school and back, random memories flood my mind.
They come out of no where and I catch myself staring blankly into empty space with one hand clutching the handle.
"Wow, it's been 6 months."
Quite unbelievable if you ask me.
Then I remember the words of those who came before: "Each day might seem long but when you look back, you'll realize how fast a year went by."
I think they knew what they were talking about.
10 months = total time I will have spent in Japan.
In a matter of 4 months, I will be wondering what I just did for the past year.
I think it'll be an interesting time of reflection.
I'm pretty sure I will be smiling and laughing a lot.
And then I'll probably cry because I miss Japan and the relationships here so much.
According to my mom, I adjust quickly but have detachment issues.
-_-
But I know that all it will take are some tears and a prayer to help me move on.
I'm learning that what is harder than letting go is the thought of letting go.
So I am bracing myself for the impact and as always: Hoping for the best but preparing for the worst.

What's weird is that I'm getting homesick NOW.
I was A-okay and never really missing home until just about two weeks ago.
However, it's not the kind people assume.
It's NOT a desire to go home because I hate it here, am lonely, is tired, or feeling discouraged.
Not that at all.
It's more like wanting to go home because I miss my friends and family who know what I'm feeling without having to ask and knowing how to respond.
But for the most part, I'm glad I can't get that right now.
It's training.
I can't always EXPECT people to cater to me.
That's probably been one of my biggest revelations: letting go of expectations.
It's hard not to expect; but it's harder when expectations aren't met.
And believe you me, the latter occurs most (almost 99%) of the time.

I just got a package from LA ReComm and there were encouragement notes.
I sat there in my room with wet hair (I ran home in the rain... for fun) and just smiled while reading them.
I cherished every word.
I thought to myself, "Iris, you are so blessed to have these people in your life- people who can encourage you and express exactly how they feel."
Words really impact me.
Some say talk is cheap; but I think for the most part, there is truth to what people say because I want to believe that it comes from the heart.
Words need to be followed by actions and actions need to be confirmed with words- well at least that's what I believe. :)

I love being around people.
But I can definitely say that Japan is making me appreciate "Iris time."
I'm beginning to like doing things on my own... I feel more independent.
Things I never/rarely did alone: watch a movie, eat at a restaurant, take a train, go shopping, study, laundry.
On my to-do list: Practice solitude.

Seems like this entry is full of random thoughts.
Free writing.
One thing rainy days are good for (next to being able to wear cute rainboots): They inspire me to think more and be raw.

I leave you with some words of wisdom from the wise...

Richard G. Scott: "To reach a goal you have never before attained, you must do things you have never before done."

Ralph Waldo Emerson: “Do not follow where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.”

Press Play.

I remember the first day I cried by myself in my room. I was so frustrated/sad because I felt like NO ONE understood me- if someone understood me in a spiritual way there was a cultural, generational, language gap. This was the beginning of God's project called: "Breaking & Humbling Iris." Sometimes I think how cool it would be to have recorded my whole time in Japan- kind of like a reality show. After everything was said and done, how would I feel while watching what I did/felt/said for 10 months? I think we should try to make this happen for the future 1 year missionaries. HAHA.

It's weird because I can say that this week was the best & worst week thus far. But I would like to consider it my best because I really felt God working. It's painful to be disciplined and trained but I believe that in the end, I will come out with deeper faith and trust in God. No need for details but I would like to say thank you for your prayers... they are truly covering me and I felt so empowered/encouraged by them this week!!!

Although I'm physically so far from my parents, it's crazy how I think we're actually getting closer. We don't get to see each other every week but God still works in His mysterious ways and has brought our family closer together. When I was growing up, I heard of mom and daughters being best friends... and to be quite honest, I never really understood that; I thought it was like an "American" thing. But now, I am realizing why people say that and it's true... my mom is my best friend. I tell her everything. :0) There are over a million reasons I love her... and this is just ONE of them: she writes me emails (color-coded) in English & Korean to encourage me with her words of affirmation & love along with the WORD. I love my family. I am TRULY blessed. I realize that more and more while being in Japan. -_-;

--------------------------------

Iris,

"우리가 알거니와 하나님을 사랑하는 자 곧 그의 뜻대로 부르심을 입은 자들에게는 모든 것이 합력하여 선을 이루느니라 "

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

네마음이 힘든것 다안다.

예수님도 네 마음 다아시니, 가까운 날에 큰위로를 주실 것이다.

엄마 아빠보다 더 너를 care 하시고 계시리라 믿는다

엄마가 계속 기도하고 있다.

"그가 나를 단련(Discipline)하신후에 내가 정금(Pure Gold) 같이 나아로리라"

I love you so much!!!!!!!

Love Mom

Song of the moment:

Refiner's Fire

Purify my heart,
Let me be as gold and precious silver.
Purify my heart,
Let me be as gold, pure gold.

Refiner's fire,
My heart's one desire is to be holy
Set apart for You, Lord.
I choose to be holy
Set apart for You, my Master,
Ready to do Your will.

Purify my heart,
Cleanse me from within and make me holy.
Purify my heart,
Cleanse me from my sin, deep within.

--------------------------------

I know this is from God because He's been using 3 different people to tell me the same verse in a span of 3 days. -_-; Thank you, God, for being so loud and clear. I like that God's so direct. This is what's been on my heart lately...

Then He said to them all: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it. What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit his very self?"

-Luke 9:23-25

A Season to Remember.

God's timing is impeccable. Last week was one of those weeks that made you feel like each day went by so slowly but in retrospect the whole week went by pretty fast. I have a feeling that I'm going to have a lot more of these in the coming months... -_-; Before you know it, it'll be August and I'll be heading back to America for a safe and happy landing.

Note to self: time waits for no man. As I enter my 6 month relationship with Japan, I am torn between saying, "I only have 4 months left!" and "I still have 4 months left!" I wonder if it changes anything? One denotes urgency while the other implies positivity. Either way, I'm sure it's good for me. To be honest, I can't believe time has gone by this fast. I seriously feel like it was just last month that I was an emotional mess at the airport while saying goodbye to friends and family. Since then, God has taken me on a bittersweet but mostly SWEET journey. I could not possibly begin to imagine what my life would have been like had I not said, "Yes." I know I say this a lot, but I KNOW WHY GOD BROUGHT ME HERE. There is NEVER a day that has passed without knowing why I came. Of course there were hard, long, not-so-good, feeling blue/lonely, discouraging, under the weather days, but through it ALL God has been right there. One of the songs that has become my anthem during my time here is Hillsong's "Through It All." I like it because the lyrics are so simple yet it says so much.

You are forever in my life

You see me through the seasons
Cover me with Your hand
And lead me in Your righteousness
And I look to You
And I wait on You

I will sing to You, Lord
A hymn of love
For Your faithfulness to me
I'm carried in everlasting arms
You'll never let me go
Through it all

Hallelujah, hallelujah

By the end of my 10 month mission trip, I will have gone through all four seasons- both in a physical and spiritual sense. In a season of my "equivalent to vapor" life, every season within the season has been one to remember... forever. A brief |rewind| + |pause| + |fast-forward| of what |has been| + |is now| + |is yet to come|.

SPRING FLING. I've had my share of spring (when I first arrived in October) where everything was so beautiful, new, exciting, and filled with butterflies- kind of like being in "like" (or lust) with someone for the first time. I was full of passion and ready to take on the world, or at least Japan. My theme song was Britt Nicole's "Set the World on Fire." What more can I say?

WINTER BLUES. However instead of summer came winter- I think it was the cold and unpredictable weather affected my emotions. I felt okay and I seemed to be fine but subconsciously I think I was feeling a bit homesick. Although I adjusted well to Japanese culture and life, there was still a part of me that longed for familiarity and the comforts of American culture, TLC from friends and family, and fellowship from a spiritual community. I found myself feeling down and not knowing why... my mood suddenly would be up one moment and down the next- I felt bipolar. I think I make it sound worse than it really was. HAHA. If you asked me how I was, I was truly REALLY GOOD. I was more than happy... I was joyful. I truly was. But of course there were moments where I felt emotionally drained, which in turn affected my physical health. My body was getting used to this new lifestyle and even though it was enduring in the beginning, I began to slowly break down. However, spiritually I had my Friday night service to get me energized and pumped up for the weekend- I truly believe finding that Korean church to sing praise and listen to a sermon was a part of God's divine appointment. If I look back, I sometimes wonder why I was still feeling so happy and how I was able to wake up at 5AM every Saturday morning without complaining about the circumstance. There's only one answer: your prayers. There were days when I literally stopped and thought, "Wow, someone must be praying for me right now." There were moments when I was sad but all of a sudden got really excited and said to myself, "God just reminded someone to pray for me." There were times when I didn't think I had enough to love anyone that day or be patient with someone and yet God gave me an overflow of love and patience. And when I wondered where it came from, people would send me random facebook messages, emails, cards, and IMs saying that God gave them the urge to pray for me. I was able to get through winter with a genuine smile on my face because of God's faithfulness in my life. He didn't just TELL me that He was with me, He showed me through people. God encouraged me the whole way through. He reminded me day in and day out, "I will lead you through this. Trust me. I am with you always." Even now He is showing me more of His grace, mercy, and love. I realized that I am SO UNDESERVING of anything He gives me... and yet He doesn't just sprinkle it on me, He POURS IT OUT. After a physically long and cold winter (1. it's April and I'm still using my heater/electrical blanket & wearing my long johns, 2. it's been said that this winter was one of the coldest the whole world has seen in a long time, and 3. being from CA anything below 55 when the sun is out is considered freezing), it's summer time.

SUMMER LOVE. Right now I'm feeling like winter has passed and I'm ready to soak in the sun. The STEMers are coming soon and I feel like I'm getting ready to go on break! HAHA. Things are warming up and I'm feeling the heat- maybe getting a bit more comfortable and feeling a tad bit more agitated/irritated/annoyed by certain habits/routines. I'm not feeling completely LAZY but complacency is starting to creep up on me because things are no longer fresh. I sometimes forget to appreciate the little things and it's become a must to remind myself to live the day as if it were one of the last days in Japan. I'm at that point where I know summer will be 3 months long and so I'm wondering how I'm going to spend those 90 days... but before I know it, summer's going to be over. God is assuring me, there will be no broken hearts by the end of summer... thank God! SO... I'm really trying to FOCUS ON THE GOAL and get in (spiritual) shape for the days to come.

FALL... BAWL? I don't think fall has one like the other seasons so I had to do my best- please bear with me. But yeah, I don't think I'm completely off. :0) Fall's coming and let's just say that the color of leaves won't be the only thing changing. :*( I will start to prepare myself for a major change: 1. Japan --> America 2. Miss Independent from family --> Miss Dependent back under the same roof as the parents 3. Occupation: missionary --> Occupation: unemployed but looking for a government job... just to name a few. I think I will have to start the debriefing process early. I'm reading the book "Re-Entry" (thank you, Faith!) and it tells me about how to leave my one-year mission behind in order for me to move on with my life. I know I've been playing around saying "Happy __ Month Anniversary with Japan," but I don't think it was completely a joke. The book makes it sound like I am in a relationship! Don't get me wrong, the book is good and it has very valid, credible points, but I am just so amazed at how interesting the process of going "back to reality" is. It's true though; if I don't move on, it'll make it hard for me to function back in America. I have to brace myself because just when I think I'm getting used to life in Japan, I have to go back to good ol' USA. I'm sure there will be days where I will be thinking, "Was it all a dream?" Hopefully, it won't be THAT bad but all jokes aside, something tells me that the "readjusting to life in America" is going to be a lot harder than adjusting to life in Japan. I can already picture it: I'm at the airport surrounded by friends and my "Japanese family." The tears are falling uncontrollably- bittersweet tears. I say goodbye and enter the gate. I cry some more as I wait. I read some letters and start to bawl. The memories from Japan are flooding my mind. I think about what/who I'm leaving behind. I wonder what kind of legacy I left and questions start to bombard me, "Did I preach the Gospel with my words/life? Was I effective in my ministry? Was God glorified? How will I be remembered? Will I ever see some of them again? Is God calling me back to Japan in the future?" And then I get myself together, take a deep breath, think of all the friends and family I will be seeing, and say a prayer to God asking Him to give me peace and comfort. I board the plane, take off, knock out due to all the crying, and wake up in sunny Los Angeles, California. It sounds so great... like I have it all figured out... but I have a funny feeling it won't be this simple/easy. But I'm a believer that recognizing, acknowledging, and admitting is half the battle... so here I go.

"You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit- fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. This is my command: Love each other." -John 15:16-17

Let Go and Let God.

Enough said.

I am Fragile.

Things I need to work on...

1. Encourage more.

2. Refrain from saying hurtful words.

3. Be honest.

4. Smile more.

5. "Be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry." (James 1:19)

"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline."

Y2 Timothy 1:7

Obey > Sacrifice

"But Samuel replied:

'Does the LORD delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices

as much as in obeying the voice of the LORD?

To obey is better than sacrifice,

and to heed is better than the fat of rams.'"

-1 Samuel 15:22

This is theme of our journey: my decision to listen to God's voice to GO and your decision to follow the Holy Spirit's promptings and SEND. They are both an act of obedience.

Let me start by saying this: we cannot obey God unless He gives us a heart to obey Him. But we must ask/seek/desire it.

In the past week, God has really impressed upon my heart what it means to obey God. Sometimes the word has a negative connotation: just do whatever someone tells you. We are expected to follow along without any say or opinion in the matter. Even if we think it is wrong, we have to do what is commanded/demanded of us. However, this occurs when humans have to obey humans.

We've heard all our lives: honor your parents. The Bible tells us that we must honor our parents by obeying them. Sometimes, or most of the time, we don't really feel like obeying our parents but God still expects it of us... why? After much thought, I realized that if we can't even obey the people around us (whom we can see) in the little things (compared to God's greater things) that is asked of us, how can we obey God? Some of you might be thinking that it would be much easier to obey God because He is perfect and holy and thus, you feel that He is worthy of your obedience. I used to have this kind of attitude: "It'd be easy to obey God, but people... they are imperfect so why should I listen to them?" Soon enough I realized that this attitude in itself is not obeying God. God tells me to obey my parents and yet I don't, sometimes. This is not an act of disobedience ONLY to my parents but ALSO to God because He is the One who told me obey my parents. Are you with me?

There are some people that you will be asked to obey that you might not necessarily respect or even like (i.e. church leaders, Presidents, bosses, husbands, etc). However God does not call us to obey based on our emotions but as an act of worship to God. God delights in our obedience. His desire for us is not only to obey but to be JOYFUL when obeying. I don't think we EVER LOSE (in the grand scheme of things) when we choose to obey God. Yes, sometimes obedience requires sacrifice and cost. Yes, sometimes you will be asked to go down a path filled with difficulty and hardship. Yes, sometimes you will suffer. Yes, sometimes you will feel sad/discouraged/lonely/hurt. But God never promised us an easy life when we choose to obey. He does say, however, that it will be worth it because we will be living for His Kingdom, His glory, and His name. God will never give us more than we can handle. He will require us to make tough choices. He will ask us to trust in Him with/in everything. He will give us greater responsibilities. He will push us beyond our limits. BUT He will also give us all the resources to do His work. He will supply us with His power, love, and joy. He will draw us closer to Him. He will pour out His blessings. He will strengthen our inner man with His word. He will lead us through it. He will provide... always. I know that it's so easy to say that we will obey but in actuality A LOT harder (and I mean A LOT harder) to live it out. Obedience is not a one time deal; it's a lifestyle. Take it from me, I KNOW how hard it is to just say YES (and this was not even THAT BIG of a decision). The funny thing is, WE KNOW that we will be blessed but it's sooooooo difficult just to say the three-letter word because there's something inside that tells us that life will not be the same. And yes, you're right... it won't. But God can guarantee that it will get better- it will be greater than what you imagined because God is the Master Builder... not you.

Maybe it's because it's the beginning of STEM, but I am reminded of where I was a year ago. I remember being so sure that God didn't have it in His plans anymore for me to go to Japan. Different circumstances and my selfish heart clouded my vision of what is probably one of the most monumental moments in my life. The scary truth: I ALMOST didn't come. But I thank God for His gracious love. Even though in retrospect I see so many signs that God gave me along the way, of course the human side wanted to ignore those things and follow what I wanted for myself. But praise God that He knows us better than ourselves and that He gave me chance after chance to obey Him. If He just gave up on me after giving me my first sign, I don't know what I'd be doing right now. He never gave up on me.

Around this time last year, I was contemplating if I should go to GLDI or STEM. If I went to GLDI, I was sure that it would be God's way of saying that I should go down a path of politics. If I went on STEM, I was sure that it would be God's way of telling me to go on one year-missions to Japan. The end result: I went to GLDI and now here I am in Japan. HE NEVER WORKS HOW YOU THINK HE WILL. I think God laughs at us so many times. He doesn't get mad... He just thinks we're so cute. "Oh Iris, you have no idea what's coming." All along He knew what would be best for me and here I was, the pottery trying to tell the potter how I should be used. Wow, what nerve I have. HAHA. I truly thank God for His faithfulness. Even when I was unsure and going back and forth in my commitment that I made 3 years ago, He stood by me and gave me the heart to obey. And when I obeyed, my wishy-washy heart stood firm in the PROMISE/HOPE of God. I was no longer being tossed around by the waves... I was walking on water with Jesus! He doesn't just see the bigger picture, He sees the biggest picture. He knows from beginning to end because He is Alpha and Omega.

Pre-obedience = uncertainty, confusion/chaos, doubts, fear, insecurities, and lies.

Post-obedience = peace, trust, faith, truth, joy, anticipation, gratitude, and praise.

I truly cannot imagine my life without this chapter in it. I am so glad I came. I am such an undeserving person and yet He still chose me to come. I am here to be a blessing but I think I'm being blessed more! Being here I realized, I am a nobody... but God chooses to make me a somebody ONLY FOR the sake of Christ. I thought I was so high and mighty but God broke me and is humbling me. I don't think I will ever be HUMBLE ENOUGH. Until I die, I need to always practice humility. Wow, it's the halfway mark but God is revealing so much to me. There is so much I want to say but I cannot even begin to express this heart of mine. All I can say is THANK YOU JESUS for this amazing opportunity. Thank you everyone for joining me and supporting me through this. I hope that with this very, very, very tiny act of obedience to Him, others will be able to follow Jesus's example and obey God's calling for their lives. Our God is a sovereign God. Trust God, you won't regret it.

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There are two people who come to mind as I wrote this. I really believe God is trying to tell you this today: He will reward you for your obedience. I know it was hard to say yes but I pray that now you have made the commitment, you will have faith that God will do as He promised. Japan is hard. There are times when you might think to yourself, "Why am I here?" (or so they say... I have yet to experience this question but I do have 5 months left -_-). But I hope you always remember that God has a plan for you in this nation. Be happiest when you are in the desert because that is when God will show you SOOOOOOO much more about HOW GREAT HE IS. You will be lonely at times (a different kind than what you ever experienced) and you will feel discouraged from time to time but depend on God. It's not "will it come?"... it's more like "when it comes, what will you do and who will you turn to?" TRAIN YOURSELVES NOW! I pray that you will not just know in your head but BELIEVE WITH ALL YOUR HEART that God has called you to Japan for a purpose greater than our finite minds can fathom. He has CHOSEN you to be His hands and feet. He will mature in you a faith that will surpass what you had before coming. He will show you your weaknesses and they will come at you like a tons of bricks. He will break you. He will humble you. He will teach you how to love Him more. He will become your best friend. He's going to bless you so much. He will bring personal revival. I can't be more excited for both of you... truly. Be prepared because HE WILL BLOW YOU AWAY.

"Know therefore that the LORD your God is God; He is the faithful God, keeping His covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love Him and keep His commands."

Deuteronomy 7:9

Happy (Heart) Day!

Today is Valentine's Day. I thought I would be sad/lonely but surprisingly, I'm not. I think it's just Japan... no holiday ever seems like what it is- it's just another day out of the 365 we have in a year. -_-; Asian culture celebrates V-Day with the girls giving the boys chocolate (WHY?). Then on March 14, the guys give CANDY to the girls. SO essentially, a girl must 1) make the initiative, 2) wait a month for the guy's response, and 3) girls don't get chocolate. What's wrong with this picture? (SO MANY THINGS which I won't get into.) -_- HAHA.

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I wrote that on February 14th but never finished it. -_- I forget what the point of it was... that's what happens when you don't finish things then and there- just ruined my flow. But it's okay cuz v-day was spent with church friends and cute candy bags. ;)

Sorry for the MIA-ness. I can't say it's cuz I'm busier, per se, but it's definitely because there are other things that are demanding my time. I will try to do a better job of updating more often! Please keep reading and commenting.

February has been quite the interesting month. For one, it was very very short. I don't know where all the time goes! I can't believe I only have 5.5 months left!!! A month goes by as if it were a week and a week goes by as if it were a day and a day goes by as if it were an hour... you get my drift. HAHA. But it's been amazing to experience the highs and lows of missions. Before coming, I knew it was naive of me to think that I would have only good moments. I think February was definitely one of the hardest, if not the hardest, month on me emotionally and spiritually. I don't know if this is the wall that everyone has been talking about, but things are much more familiar... maybe I'm getting a bit complacent?

There is never a day that goes by that I am not: learning something new about God and/or myself, thinking how undeserving I am of such an opportunity, thankful for all my prayer warriors back at home, and reminded of why I came to Japan. No matter what I did during the end, God is always showing me SOOOOOOOO much of His faithfulness. Even when I haven't been that faithful, He still pours out His grace on me. Even when I haven't put Him as my priority, He still lets me know how precious I am in His sight. Even when I turn to people first before Him, He still comforts and embraces me. Even when I complain about my circumstances, He still listens and gently rebukes- never condemns. Even when I am so selfish, He showers His love on me. Even when I am so weak, He becomes my strong tower. He always encourages me through the Word and people. I've been realizing how often God tries to woo us. He's so romantic. I think I need to stop and appreciate all these things a little more and not take for granted the ways in which He keeps trying to get my attention. I must break His heart time and time again when He tries so hard to get me to love Him and only Him, and yet my eyes, thoughts, time, energy, money, and heart is going toward all the wrong things/people- anything and everything BUT Him sometimes. -_-

Although we don't consciously do it (or maybe we do), we are often putting God aside because we know He'll always be there (which is dangerous mentality). In human relationships, people are always trying to watch what they say and how they act because we are sometimes scared that one wrong move can make the other person leave. As humans, we don't like having those we love leave us after they see the ugly side of us- the sinful side that gets the best of all of us. There is no guarantee with people that someone will stick with you until the end no matter what you say or do. People get hurt. There's only so much we can take before we break. Our love, essentially, is conditional.

But with God, He will never leave us. As His sons and daughters, more often than not, we say the most hurtful things to Him, show Him the worst of our actions (that we dare not show those around us), and tell Him with our lips and lives that we don't need Him and that we don't love Him. Yet despite everything we do, He still loves us. There is no word or action that can separate that love- granted that we are His children. He is our Ultimate Lover. His love is unconditional.

What selfish lover I am. But thank God that He demonstrates the kind of love that we should strive to have for Him and others. It's hard but I want to love God the way He deserves to be loved. I don't want my heart to be in many places... I just want to give my whole heart for the one love who is worthy, King Jesus.

Let's love more.

Mother Teresa once said, "Give until it hurts."

Please Keep Me Accountable...

In life, people will not always agree with you. That's a fact. Christians will differ in their thoughts/opinions on certain issues. Life would be so much easier if everyone would agree but that's not possible. -_-; I'm realizing that instead of trying to persuade people that my thinking is correct, I need to leave the transformation part up to God. If I'm the one that needs a change of heart, then by all means, I must let go and let God. In everything, may God receive all the glory, praise, honor, and respect.

I'm posting this because I realized that I'm a person who does not really like to share my flaws. Well, no one really does. However, I feel that in order for me to truly change and become less prideful, I need to be transparent and have others keep me accountable. I pray that you will keep me in prayer so that I can become a better witness, representative, and ambassador of Christ Jesus, our Lord and Savior.

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My sticky note that I posted on 2/8/10...

When debating about spiritual things/God, learn to:

1) Be humble.

2) Be patient.

3) Be in control of my emotions (do not get angry).

4) Not always have the last word.

5) Understand that people have seasons for faith (trust in God's timing).

6) Pray for them instead of arguing with them.

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"Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity." -Colossians 3:12-14

Finding Joy in Being Sick.

Sometimes being sick is the best way to become healthy.

In being sick, we can diagnose our body's condition/status. Had I not been sick, I would never have thought about why my body was going into shut-down mode. It helped me reflect on the events that contributed to my body getting tired- lack of sleep, bicycling for 2 miles against cold wind, having back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back events without proper rest, not eating my vitamin C daily... all can be summed up by saying: not taking good care of my body and physical health. -_- However, if I hadn't been sick, I would've never known that these things were affecting my body in such a negative way! Therefore, in order to better prevent this from happening again, it was important for me to realize what I needed to change.

As I laid there with a really high fever, body chills (momsal), and the feeling that this was the sickest I've ever been, I asked God, "What is it that you want to tell me?" I was shocked! I didn't even think that I would think that there was something to be learned from all this. Most of the time we think that being sick is purely a body thing and nothing spiritual. I'm not saying all sicknesses are related to something spiritual... however, what I am saying is that we need to have the mentality that something good can come out of something that, at the time, can seem pretty bad.

It would really be foolish of me to think that God only speaks to me through the "good" things in life. Of course good things make it easier for me to thank God and see His blessings, but I think it's also important to realize that God uses the times of suffering and pain to speak to me as well. In fact, I think it is when we are going through hardship that we are actually willing and desperate enough to listen to what He has to say. I'm guessing God really wanted to speak to me... and He did.

What God revealed wasn't something that I wasn't prepared for. To be honest, I kind of had a feeling that it was going to be about certain things, and it was. -_- God reminded me that I only have 7 months left (6.5 to be exact). He told me: FOCUS! I think it's easy to get distracted and side-tracked... not just on missions but any time in life. God was telling me that I had to remember why I was in Japan- for whom and for what purpose. It was a gentle rebuke but it hit me pretty hard. I really repented for my lack of focus and I was able to see how I had to rearrange my priorities. Praise God that He is a loving and merciful God who always wants the best for His children!

Number 2 was that He was telling me to depend on Him. Being away from home, I think the biggest time one can feel he/she is alone is when one is SICK. -_- You miss mommy taking care of you. There's no one to make you honey lemon tea, rice porridge, tell you "sleep is the best medicine," feed you medicine, and check up on you. I realized that there was physically no one next to me. It was during this time I felt the most homesick. God exposed my loneliness and told me not to rely on people but on Him and Him alone. He told, "Depend on me, Iris." I think that was one of the hardest things. I wanted someone physically there to give me comfort. However, God had been there the whole time. My physical body had to shut down for me to understand that the only One who will be with me 24/7/365 through the good, bad, and ugly will be God. It's comforting to know. :)

In ministry/missions, there are many times where one is spiritually alone. I know there will be more instances in the future where I may face spiritual loneliness. However, I really felt that God was using this time to train me and build me up for the times to come. It's hard. It's hard not to want to rely on someone if they are physically there. But God requires us to rely not on what/who is seen but Him who is unseen- not because it's easy but because of the very fact that it is hard... it requires FAITH. Following Christ and living for God is not an easy road. It requires obedience, sacrifice, and dependence on God. Sometimes you will be persecuted, abandoned, and tested. But if we can realize that what God promises and provides is so much greater than all the negative things this world may throw at us, I think we are on the right track. These days, I am learning what it means to truly say with all my heart, soul, strength, mind, and life: "You can have all this world, but give me Jesus."

By God's grace, I am changing. I feel it. I see it. It's so crazy how much God is revealing to me about my own sinful nature: all my pride, selfishness, and flaws. I am admitting my mistakes. I can say I am not always right- I can be wrong. I am learning what it means to serve people not just how I want to serve them but how they want to be served. I am trying to be more understanding. I am choosing to think and pray before I speak. I am trying to control my emotions better. I am smiling a lot more. I am having a change in attitude. I am more positive. I am trying to be prayerful in everything. I am trying to be thankful in all circumstances. Simply put, I am trying. I'm not perfect. I failed many times and will continue to do so. But I am learning that failure is only way we can remain humble. It's beautiful. There is much more work to be done, but the very fact that I was able to see myself in the mirror as I really am was a VERY BIG STEP. God is so good. He's so good to me.

I can't even begin to explain the inner transformation He's doing. I know, however, that the real test of how much I have changed will be back in America. I am excited to see the ways in which God will lead me in the months to come and how much more He will strengthen my inner being. I am starting to see a glimpse of the woman I have been praying to become. I still have a long way but I know that the process of refining and sharpening does not come overnight- it's a lifelong process.

Please pray with and for me. I already know that before I know it, it'll be August. I'm really trying to live each day as if it was one of the last days before I leave. I love it here... and I don't want to leave. -_- I'm dreading August... :*(

Overflow.

When you are empty, God fills you.

He doesn't stop at full, He overflows.

To be honest, it's been a hard week- a rough start to a new year. The 3 month mark is almost here and it's crazy to think that time has gone by so fast! Even in the three short months I've been here, I'm realizing so much about myself (in ways I could have NEVER imagined) and God. I love Lamentations 3:23 "Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness." I am experiencing this verse every day- His faithfulness in my life is just beyond description. There are so many days where I feel so undeserving of such love that God provides and yet He still pours it out on me. Who am I that He would do such a thing? Then His word tells me: I am His daughter. His beloved. His chosen one. His princess.

Humility. I'm learning so much about this word. This was something I realized I had to work on BEFORE coming to Japan; since being here, God's been using His Word, events, and a certain person to remind me of how prideful I can be. For most of my life, whatever I attempted, I succeeded- I'm not saying this to brag but it's just how simple things were for me in America. Of course there were some events that didn't always end up in my favor, but for the most part, I never had to face Failure with a capital F. However, coming to Japan, I realized that I'm not going to succeed at everything in life. Japanese is harder than I thought. It discourages me to think that it's not going as well as I had imagined. I make it sound like I suck or something... that's not the case at all, but I think the perfectionist side of me is starting to come out. There are some things, like language acquisition, that I cannot control. I study, I go to class everyday, and I do the homework- these are things that are within my control and I do them diligently. However, it's frustrating that I can't express everything I want to say in Japanese (no duh, right?). I mean I've been here 3 months and I know A LOT MORE now than when I started, but still it's discouraging. -_-; I think my problem is that I try to be perfect at it, but I just need to understand that language takes time. My primary reason for being here is not to learn Japanese and be good at it, but it's of course an investment and a means of communicating with the Japanese people. I really need to just LET GO of this mentality that I have to master it right now. I guess it's just b/c there are so many people around me who try so hard and study so well that I feel like I'm not up to par with them. People around me keep telling me that I don't need to get stressed out from it, but there's silent pressure to do well... or maybe it's just the respect-me side of me?

English conversational ministry is going well! The kids are so cute... I'm really learning that kids do well with encouragement and not punishment. A simple high-five, thumbs up, and smile go such a long way! I've been hearing a lot more "hello" and "goodbye" from the kids lately. They are sometimes using, "Hello, my name is _____." So cute! Teaching English is harder than I thought... especially b/c I have to make up my own material. -_- But God is good and I'm getting so blessed seeing how much the people love learning English! There aren't TONS of people who come out, but there is a lady who lives literally RIGHT NEXT DOOR to church who has been coming out (her first time at this church in fact!). Praise God! Quality over quantity, right? :) She thinks class is fun and she's learning a lot. She get so excited for class! HAHA. God is using this ministry to remind me that even one soul is so precious to God. Please pray that through the simple act of teaching English, she will be able to learn a greater purpose for her life (answer: Jesus).

Desperate. I know people who are desperate for a job (thank you, economy). Some are desperate for a boyfriend or girlfriend (Valentine's Day is coming up!). Others are desperate for money. What does it mean to be desperate? Being desperate requires us to truly long for something. We desire it. We "need" it. But what happens after we get it, the desperation is gone- it's no longer necessary. Desperation then, for the most part, is conditional. However, I want to believe that there is one desperation that increases after we get it: being desperate for God. The hunger that comes with wanting Christ far exceeds a person, thing, or circumstance. With one taste of God, we (should) want more. I want to be desperate for God- so desperate that He's all I desire. It's so hard and I'm not completely there yet, but I hope that if someone asks me what I'm desperate for, I can boldly say Jesus.

Please continue praying for me. I feel like the wall that everyone has been talking about is within sight. But I know that it's not about hitting the wall or not (b/c truth is, I will get there), it's about how I deal with getting through it. I WILL OVERCOME WITH CHRIST'S STRENGTH AND POWER! Your prayers empower me so please don't ever forget to say a prayer for Japan and me. We are in this together!

PICTURE DIARY:

Ji-hyun unni and me. She encourages me so much! We met up for some yummy meat on a stick! HAHA.

How I spent Christmas:

1) My lovely girl friends from school and I spent the day in Tokyo (we went to Tokyo Tower)

2) Doesn't it kinda look like the Eiffel Tower? I wouldn't know, never been there. -_-

3) My family in Japan: me, samoneem, Hui (their nephew from Korea), Missionary Cho.

We celebrated Christmas with cake and pizza. -_-

4) Okonomiyaki party at Takahashi sensei's house!

5) Santa didn't come to town, but JOE SONG did! :) We ate shabu-shabu with his Uncle and his family. His niece is sooooooo cute! LIKE SOOOOO CUTE! We're like the same!

Joe: "Jisoo, what do you want to be when you grow up?"

Jisoo: "A princess."

:0)

"Call to me and I will answer you

and tell you great and unsearchable things

you do not know."

Jeremiah 33:3