In being sick, we can diagnose our body's condition/status. Had I not been sick, I would never have thought about why my body was going into shut-down mode. It helped me reflect on the events that contributed to my body getting tired- lack of sleep, bicycling for 2 miles against cold wind, having back-to-back-to-back-to-back-to-back events without proper rest, not eating my vitamin C daily... all can be summed up by saying: not taking good care of my body and physical health. -_- However, if I hadn't been sick, I would've never known that these things were affecting my body in such a negative way! Therefore, in order to better prevent this from happening again, it was important for me to realize what I needed to change.
As I laid there with a really high fever, body chills (momsal), and the feeling that this was the sickest I've ever been, I asked God, "What is it that you want to tell me?" I was shocked! I didn't even think that I would think that there was something to be learned from all this. Most of the time we think that being sick is purely a body thing and nothing spiritual. I'm not saying all sicknesses are related to something spiritual... however, what I am saying is that we need to have the mentality that something good can come out of something that, at the time, can seem pretty bad.
It would really be foolish of me to think that God only speaks to me through the "good" things in life. Of course good things make it easier for me to thank God and see His blessings, but I think it's also important to realize that God uses the times of suffering and pain to speak to me as well. In fact, I think it is when we are going through hardship that we are actually willing and desperate enough to listen to what He has to say. I'm guessing God really wanted to speak to me... and He did.
What God revealed wasn't something that I wasn't prepared for. To be honest, I kind of had a feeling that it was going to be about certain things, and it was. -_- God reminded me that I only have 7 months left (6.5 to be exact). He told me: FOCUS! I think it's easy to get distracted and side-tracked... not just on missions but any time in life. God was telling me that I had to remember why I was in Japan- for whom and for what purpose. It was a gentle rebuke but it hit me pretty hard. I really repented for my lack of focus and I was able to see how I had to rearrange my priorities. Praise God that He is a loving and merciful God who always wants the best for His children!
Number 2 was that He was telling me to depend on Him. Being away from home, I think the biggest time one can feel he/she is alone is when one is SICK. -_- You miss mommy taking care of you. There's no one to make you honey lemon tea, rice porridge, tell you "sleep is the best medicine," feed you medicine, and check up on you. I realized that there was physically no one next to me. It was during this time I felt the most homesick. God exposed my loneliness and told me not to rely on people but on Him and Him alone. He told, "Depend on me, Iris." I think that was one of the hardest things. I wanted someone physically there to give me comfort. However, God had been there the whole time. My physical body had to shut down for me to understand that the only One who will be with me 24/7/365 through the good, bad, and ugly will be God. It's comforting to know. :)
In ministry/missions, there are many times where one is spiritually alone. I know there will be more instances in the future where I may face spiritual loneliness. However, I really felt that God was using this time to train me and build me up for the times to come. It's hard. It's hard not to want to rely on someone if they are physically there. But God requires us to rely not on what/who is seen but Him who is unseen- not because it's easy but because of the very fact that it is hard... it requires FAITH. Following Christ and living for God is not an easy road. It requires obedience, sacrifice, and dependence on God. Sometimes you will be persecuted, abandoned, and tested. But if we can realize that what God promises and provides is so much greater than all the negative things this world may throw at us, I think we are on the right track. These days, I am learning what it means to truly say with all my heart, soul, strength, mind, and life: "You can have all this world, but give me Jesus."
By God's grace, I am changing. I feel it. I see it. It's so crazy how much God is revealing to me about my own sinful nature: all my pride, selfishness, and flaws. I am admitting my mistakes. I can say I am not always right- I can be wrong. I am learning what it means to serve people not just how I want to serve them but how they want to be served. I am trying to be more understanding. I am choosing to think and pray before I speak. I am trying to control my emotions better. I am smiling a lot more. I am having a change in attitude. I am more positive. I am trying to be prayerful in everything. I am trying to be thankful in all circumstances. Simply put, I am trying. I'm not perfect. I failed many times and will continue to do so. But I am learning that failure is only way we can remain humble. It's beautiful. There is much more work to be done, but the very fact that I was able to see myself in the mirror as I really am was a VERY BIG STEP. God is so good. He's so good to me.
I can't even begin to explain the inner transformation He's doing. I know, however, that the real test of how much I have changed will be back in America. I am excited to see the ways in which God will lead me in the months to come and how much more He will strengthen my inner being. I am starting to see a glimpse of the woman I have been praying to become. I still have a long way but I know that the process of refining and sharpening does not come overnight- it's a lifelong process.
Please pray with and for me. I already know that before I know it, it'll be August. I'm really trying to live each day as if it was one of the last days before I leave. I love it here... and I don't want to leave. -_- I'm dreading August... :*(
